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Thursday, December 14, 2017

Cult of Personality: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5



Annnnnd it's that time of year... eggnog, Christmas trees, sweaters, presents, and Silent Night, Deadly Night movies.

Now, to say I am a fan is an understatement; I like to call myself a SNDN connoisseur. Why, you may ask? Well, it's because my love of the franchise doesn't stop at the part two mark, it goes all they way through till the end. I know, I know, I can hear your groans already, but hear me out...

This franchise does what others couldn't, and does what the Halloween franchise tried, but failed to do! Let me preach on it...


The movie kicks off when a young boy named Derek (William Thorne) finds his parents Sarah and Tom (Jane Higginson and Van Quattro) doing the wild mambo snake dance in bed. He heads downstairs, and finds a Christmas present lying on the doorstep that is addressed to him.

The package reads, "Don't Open till Christmas", but what does the little turd do? He tears off the wrapping paper with great speed. But before he can open the box, his father Tom comes down the steps. He is angry that Derek has opened the front door alone and is opening a Christmas present. He sends Derek back to bed, and sits down with the present.


Tom opens it up to reveal what a Phantasm sphere would look like dressed as Santa Claus. It seems like an entertaining little gadget at first, until the sphere springs arms and legs that wraps around Tom’s head. Panicking, Tom fights with the evil toy, as Derek watches in horror. Tom lands on a fireplace poker, just before Sarah rushes downstairs. She cannot believe her eyes. Tom is dead.

AND THAT is how we kickstart Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991).

After a few weeks have gone by, little Derek has become mute, traumatized after witnessing the event. His mother tries to cheer him up by taking him to the toy store, where we meet Joe Petto, the owner of the store (played by Mickey Rooney), and Pino (Brian Bremer from Pumpkinhead), Joe’s son, who is acting peculiar and creepy. He won’t stop gawking at the mother (can't blame him) and son.


Then, a man named Noah (Tracy Fraim) walks into the store. He too stares at the family, though, Sarah does not notice. Finding no admirable toys, Derek gives up, but Pino does not, and hands a centipede toy over to Derek, but Sarah refuses to take it. When Derek and his mother leave the store, Noah purchases the centipede, and walks out.

From this point we learn that Pino is making these toys in his father's shop into deadly weapons, and that Noah, who we think is tied to it all, is actually trying to stop these nefarious plans, AND is the REAL father of Derek... a subplot that could've been scrapped, if you ask me.

The centipede toy ends up killing a guy in awesome, whacked-out fashion, there's even killer roller blades, and numerous toys joining in on the kill game.


It turns out Petto's teenage son, Pino, is actually a marionette robot built by Rooney to replace his deceased son. If the names didn't give it away, they are a play on Pinocchio and Geppetto. Pino goes insane and begins impersonating Rooney, building killer toys in an attempt to assassinate Derek and steal his mother... yeah, not sure why or anything, but there's this wonderful fucked up scene where a naked Pino, looking like a Ken doll with no clothes, dry humps Sarah while screaming “I love you, mommy! I want you! I love you!” repeatedly.

Yes, I'm aware of just how bat-shit insane this all sounds, but the movie is AWESOME!


Mickey Rooney, who protested the original film, and called the creators "scum", decided that seven years later he would be in a little movie called... Silent Night, Deadly Night 5! Regardless, this movie is in no way a masterpiece, but damn is it fun! It also kinda serves as a prequel/sequel of sorts to part 4, which we will get to soon...

Directed by Martin Kitrosser, and written by Kitrosser and Brian (Bride of Re-Animator) Yuzna, Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker is sure to be a wild ride for you, whether you hate it or not!

See you in a few days when I review Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation!

GORE meter: ★
T&A meter: ★★☆☆

- Matt Cloude